The Bridges We Burned
a vague ticking sound can be heard
My mental illness ruined our first kiss. It’s one of my deepest secrets and most bitter regrets. Your first kiss was with someone who tasted of black coffee, shitty breath, she was sitting on your lap, but she wasn’t present, her mind consumed by her very own dinner. I am sorry, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I am. I am. (so sorry).
I am sick. I have been sick for a while now. It was never a secret, but I don’t think you would have known if I hadn’t told you. My brain is rotting, tearing apart at the seams. It’s rot is taunting my body, the vehicle of my soul, black oil gushing out and about, taking, making, breaking.
Ouch
Ouch
Sorry
Ouch
Sorry
Yeah?Yeah?
I feel violated
At the hands of selfish lovers I feel at peace.
~
Rot, rot, rot. It sinks down. I didn’t drink yesterday. I smoked instead. Didn’t have time to be drunk. Makes reading difficult. Kiss me? Kiss me? I had one glass of wine at dinner.
I’d rather die than be alone.
You’re crazy.
You’re insane.
You’re incomprehensible.
Well, fuck you too.
You’re not special.
I know. I fucking know. Shouldn’t you
think I am, though?
Shouldn’t you care for me
beyond my understanding?
You’re lazy.
I will never forget.
I have a gift for you.
I don’t want it.
You’re getting it.
Just throw it out.
Can’t. Take it.
Get rid of it.
Won’t. Take it.
Get away from me.
No. I love you.
And I have a gift for you.
Is it heavy?
Yes.
Can I take it?
Hope so. I can’t.
Share it?
Yes.
Aren’t you going to thank me?
It’s a gift. You should be thanking me. I wish I could claw the flesh from my bones and look pretty while doing so.
I need them to see just how sick I am
I need them to see just how sick I am
I need them to see just how sick I am
I need them to see just how sick I am
I was made of disease
Won’t you love me just a little. Kiss me? Kiss me? I use my teeth too much when I kiss. Sure you won’t mind.
I am scared I reek of smoke. I’d rather lie than be alone.
Mark me down. Fuck me. Burn your initials into my neck. Carve your name into my thighs. Cut out my birthmarks with the knife. I want you to make me cry. I haven’t cried in so long. Make me cry, baby.
Did you pray for me?
Yes. I pray for everyone.
God came to me, I think.
What did He tell you?
He cured my brain.
I didn’t know you were still sick.
I got better for a bit.
Then I got sick again.
God is powerful. I knew someone who was sick-sick,
like what you had but worse, and she’s very
happy now through the power of God.
I wish you’d prayed before.
You wouldn’t have gotten sick again.
Wouldn’t have needed your prayers?
I would have prayed anyway.
How do I pray?
On your knees.-
Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Please. Fucking. Stay. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. It’s my fault, I take all the blame, I shouldn’t have said it, shouldn’t have done that, I should have shut my mouth, I’m sorry it’s the alcohol it’s the stress it’s the exhaustion it’s the drugs it’s me it’s me it’s me it’s me I am sorry please
Guilty until proven innocent; a liar, a sick one, but a liar.
I’d rather die than be alone.
I’d
I
I’m totally better now.
There is comfort in knowing I am like you in many ways. Would we have smoked together? Mom would hate that. On your balcony. I can picture it.
I failed my body and so my body will fail me. I am a body, I have a body, we are nothing other than the roles we play, I am one with my environment, spinning, spinning, tumbling, blank, blank, turn, blank.
I have stabbed you with a pocket-knife Pushed you onto the train tracks
Poisoned your drinks Skinned you alive until
you were drained
of all blood
Choked you with my
bare hands
Fucked you then tore
off
your penis.
I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. IT CAN’T BE.
Fucked you then punched
you in the face.
Drowned you in
a ditch.
Drowned you on open
sea.
I
Hurt
My
Self
Every time. Every time. Every time. Every time. Every time.
Every time. Every time. Every time.
I’ve never known love without judgement before.
That’s all I ever imagined
love to be.
I drink wine like its lemonade.
I think you’re the
sweetest thing.
I’m rotten.
Let me care for you.
I’m rotten.
So lay beneath the earth
with me.
I’ll make time for you.
Fuck.
Fuck.
~